The Talk About "Death"

When is it okay to talk about death?

My experience with the conversation of death came very young. We talked about death of bugs, then grew to animals and moved to people.

We experienced the death of people conversation when my oldest was 2 1/2. Her father passed from cancer. Prior to his passing, we knew separation was going to be tough. I worked while he cared for her at home up until this point.

Things were odd as we began a divorce prior to knowing about his death sentence,  then the company I worked for closed it's doors. At this time, I was a single stay at home mom. We shared 50/50 custody at first. Once we found out the cancer was terminal, we decided to seek counceling. Our counselor suggested working through our school district to find additional help for our daughter. Luckily, they had support who visited our home 2 to 3 times a week to help as she laid on the floor screaming for her dad. He and I chose to do a weaning process, since he didn't want us to see him so sick. He said he wanted her to think of him as superman and not to fear him as a dieing cancer patient.

The separation was real. At this point 50/50 moved to every other weekend due to his illness. He wanted to see her one last time for Christmas, but called and cancelled. He wasnt sure he could do it knowing it would be his last time. It was so emotional. By the time he passed, she had enough information to know that he will always be with her.

Before he passed, he wrote a letter to her that was sweet and expressed his love. She cherishes this letter.

By explaining death to her in a calm manner, over time with more details with each new conversation, I believe she was able to accept his passing with more understanding than if we didn't use counceling.

Of course she asks about him, but she does not fear him or cry for his death. Even at 2 1/2, she understood.

Since then, my daughter' grandma on both sides and others have given her practice with the idea of death. Although this was very tough on him, I respect that he took "the benefit of our child into consideration". A very strong decision to keep her safe from tears and confussion.

I think it's okay once the opportunity presents itsel
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It's Not an Emergency, Calm Down!

Teaching children how to calm themselves may be one of the most important tools they need to know. Show them by example how you calm yourself. When you're upset, announce that you're going to your happy place. Try not to respond immediately by yelling. Yelling does not teach them how to react peacefully. When they are upset, show them love and empathy. Show them that not everything that happens is an emergency.

When you think of your choices on how to react, think outloud. You could state your options, the consequences of each of the actions and how others will feel afterwards. Mention your feelings about the other person's point of view. Finally, let them hear your final decision and follow through.

The more you practice this outloud, the more they see that it's a process which does not need an immediate response. They learn coping skills instead of fighting skills.

The next step is the fun part. Observe your child to see if their coping skills mature.

Just think, Simply telling them to calm down, shut up or sit down is not going to work. When was the last time these phrases worked on you?

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Thanks Giving = Positive Exposure

Children need to see adults giving thanks. As they watch others appreciate things in their lives, the number of positive experiences out number the negative.

We know from studies that a person needs 10 positive to 1 negative experience in order to balance themselves. Showing appreciation is an easy way to add positives in your child's day.

Positive exposure can happen on a regular basis. Appreciate their attitude. Catch them being good. Thank them for a hug.

Assignment
Part 1: Try balancing 10/1 with thank yous for the next week just to see how it works. You may adopt this technique with other relationships.

Part 2: Next, eliminate negative exposure. Do not say any disparing comments in front of them, regardless of the subject.

Part 3: Eliminate thinking ugly thoughts to balance yourself. Replace these thoughts by thinking of what you are thankful for.

Part 4: Reevaluate balance with your child and yourself.

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You Are Not Responsible for Other's Actions

In any case, you are not responsible for anyone's choices. You cannot stop them from doing what they are going to do. If the crime is worth the consequence, they will not care how much effort you put in to holding true to what they are supposed to do. Let them make mistakes.

You can make the choice to not be emotionally tied to their decisions. This is their lesson, not yours.

Try this, sit back and observe as if your watching clouds go by through a windshield. Some clouds are beautiful, some are scary, but they all pass by in due time. #areyoureadyfortranquilparenting.com

Sibling Alienation Doesn't Work!

Never underestimate the power of siblings. Even after we are gone from this Earth, they will be together. Regardless if they are together in homes 100% of the time, 50% of the time or separated due to broken marriages, their love will last much longer than the parents. Allow them the special moments they need in order to bond. Playing keep away with them will not work no matter how hard you try.

Parent Alienation vs. Parent Alienation Syndrome

The definition of Parent Alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome may be found on the Parent Alienation website.