Sibling Rivalry: Empathy, Support Options and Empower

Sibling rivalry takes many forms and has no age limit. How do we work with it and not make it worse?

Let's take a minute and look at the types, reasons, the how some parents deal and then the "magical" solution.

Teasing, mean words, I hate you, I wish you would die, physical fighting, jealously, needing attention no matter if it's negative or positive and just plain old nagging.

Some parents choose to be negative and yell and punish their children. Remember negativity breeds negativity and so the cycle begins.

Here is the magic. Instead of being negative share empathy, give options and then empower your children. Older children can choose to take a mentoring role. Younger children can learn to model empathy. Both groups can learn problem solving that they will use in the future. 

Forced aplogies actually hurt the process of building relationships between siblings. Instead offer suggestions on how to rebuild.

In separate homes, make certain the children aren't mocking their parents. Keep conflict to a minimum, unless it's progressive challenges that can be overcome easily without belittling each other.

Are you too busy for yourself?

Do you feel guilty because you do not have enough time for your children? Between work and chores, do you get lost in the the daily routine of life? Does this guilty feeling keep you from your own pleasures?

Years and years of guilt has kept me from venturing into my own hobbies. Being that I'm a divorced mother sharing 50/50 custody with their father, I've always planned my hobbies when they were not with me, so I could spend every waking hour with them. As they get older, I've realized it's not the minutes that matter, but how we spend them.

We do enjoy doing chores, projects, and hanging out together just watching a movie or going to events. Recently, I've added time where they visit friends and time for my hobbies. This independent time for us is necessary.

I need to show how I understand they are independent children and that I have things I want to do independently of them.

For example, I wanted to take a ceramics class which was held two weekends in a row. Before I realized that they would see this as freedom, I would have never taken the class. Now, I planned for them to enjoy time with friends while I expanded my talents.

If I make time for their hobbies and sports, I should do the same for me. This helps them understand that I am just as important. The hyrarchy of importance is a lesson in which I'm not sitting around awaiting their every desire.

Remember to take care of you! Have fun, excersize, fulfill your dreams. You'll be better for doing so. No regrets. No blame. You need to love yourself in order to love that every waking hour.

Snack Time, Fun Time!!!

Are the kiddos tired of the plain old boring fresh fruit? Are you tired of the preservatives and sugars in packaged snacks?

Fruit shakes could be the answer for your littles. 2 fresh fruits, 1 cup frozen and 2 Oz. of juice makes a delightful sweet treat for a few kiddos.

My new Christmas gift has already set a new standard in my home. The kids love to mix and match. They try to guess what color it will be once blended.

A fun way to get those fresh fruits in each day. I add protien and vitamins in too. Hope you all have fun mixing and matching.

What are the rules?

Loving respectful rules. Interested in learning more about Love and Logic AKA Fun parenting? Visit Www.tranquilparenting.com to learn more.

Did you say sibling conflict is needed?

Yes, siblings need to have conflict, so they can learn ways to move through obstacles. Here are a few things to try;

Talk It Out
Step 1. Calmly empathize
Step 2. Recognize and state the problem
Step 3. Ask them to tell their feelings without hurting each other
Step 4. Remind them of your family rules
Step 5. Ask what they suggest to do about it

Make Light of It - make them laugh
Choice 1. Ask them to fight about it
Choice 2. Switch the subject to something funny
Choice 3. Act as if you're a wrestling announcer or referee
Choice 4. Play a bonding game.
Choice 5. Nap time
Choice 6. Have a fight night with agreeable rules

Try different tactics each time as they mature. These are the times while they are learning what works best for them.

It's not our job, or is it?

While I do not sugar coat anything, I do not make things harder. I choose empathy and love as I look for each learning opportunity for my children. I do not create an ugly atmosphere, yet I look forward to each experience where my children may grow.

Let the tough stuff show its ugly head as much as possible. We got this!

Tranquility Matters, Stand Up!

The moment someone tries to steal your tranquility by bringing in conflict; pause, take a stand, choose peace.

Could Limit Excersizes Help Your Family?

Children's first exposure to problem solving is usually with their parents, peers and most of all siblings, especially when limits or rules are ignored.

I suggest creating Limit, Problem-Solving and Negotiating Exercises for your children. I wouldn't go out and create challenges. We all know challenges present themselves on a regular basis in families. You could use these ideas as situations happen.

Let your children take the responsibility of knowing the steps of how to keep calm.

Limit Excersize
Each child takes a turn at the following;
Step 1. Describe the limit or challenge.
Step 2. Have each child empathize with the other child.
Step 3. Work with the children on how to put their feelings into words in a tranquil manner and not attack the other child.
Step 4. Let each child express their needs.
Step 5. If a child's limit is ignored, support them by stating family rules.
Step 6. Help your children problem-solve.
Step 7. Have each child report what they have heard from each other.

Listening Exercise
Step 1. Keep calm and move your children out of fight or flight mode.
Step 2. Allow your children to speak for themselves.
Step 3. Repeat the words of each child by quoting them, if one child is not listening.
Step 4. Have each child report what they have heard from each other.
Step 5. Remind the children that your house rules include looking for a balanced solution, where each person walks away from a problem feeling as if they've won.

Problem Solve Exercise
Step 1. Once again, stay calm.
Step 2. Discuss the problem or challenge without judgment. Have each child state if they agree there is a problem.
Step 3. Remove the children from the situation. If it's a physical object, remove the object.
Step 4. Invite the children to brainstorm all possible solutions in writing or drawings.
Step 5. Go through the solutions one by one with them. As "what if" questions allowing them to see the solution all the way through. Restate what the problems are with these possibilities as they arise.
Step 6. Write down the final solution and observe how it's implemented.
Step 7. More coaching may be needed as the solution mat need to be refined.

Negotiating Exercise
Some of the most common ways children can start negotiating are;
1. Trade offs
2. Taking Turns
3. Sharing
4. Splitting in half
5. Teaming up
6. Adding to family rules

No Tattling or Nagging Exercise
Step 1. Speak softly and remember, children only do these, when the see a limit that has been broken. They are simply asking for help. They just need help communicating.
Step 2. Ask if they would like to take any action.
Step 3. Begin the Problem-solving exercise.

These few steps during real life situations will hand the responsibility back to them with teaching natural consequences. Once the problem is solved, you have the easy part. Share love!

Looking for help to transition during your divorce?

Are you divorcing? Are you looking for
support to transition peacefully? With the 65% divorce rate, you are not alone and neither are your children.

Contact Tranquil Parenting to learn more about the Tranquil Divorce program. February classes will be announced shortly.

How Do You Teach Forgiveness?

Remember that children will follow your lead. How you forgive is how they will forgive (or not).

I usually talk out loud explaining my thoughts, feelings, choices and allow the kiddos to see my final actions allowing my experiences to be shared. This works with forgiveness also. Whether it's forgiving them, their father or other persons in our lives, I make sure it's a learning lesson for all of us.

I'm careful in keeping drama or alienating information far away from the situation as these details are distractions from the lesson. Forgiveness doesn’t need to describe names and exact details. My explanation sounds more like this;

"I'm needing to forgive someone. I was sad when something happened. After thinking about it, I'm still sad. I understand that I cannot change the situation. I'm also not able to change things for the next time. I can choose to talk to them about my feelings. My intentions are to forgive them regardless if they apologize or not. I am not willing to hold onto these feelings like poison."

There are a few that I have not forgiven. I should. I will. In good timing. Taking my own advice with these will help me live healthier and open to a more positive progressive life.

Even at young ages, my kids understand these words. As they mature, so will their understanding.

‘Father Forgive them for they know not what they do.’ Luke 23:34

http://jesusdaily.com/the-last-7-words-of-jesus/

How Are You Teaching Your Children To Problem Solve?

How does sibling problem solving end with your family?

Are you allowing your children to solve their own arguments without any intervention? This type of problem solving teaches children poor social skills as they will most likely walk away mad, give in or be bullied into what they don't want or be the bully. Bullies always win in this scenario.

Even worse, you stop them all together by yelling at them and telling them what to do in order to solve this problem. This teaches them to seek a higher power, instead of working things out.

Empathy, understanding and love do not grow, they are not taught and not used here in these situations. These routines follow children into adulthood. The natural consequences could possibly redeem them later, but what if?

What if you taught emotional intelligence? What if your children understood their own feelings and the feelings of others? What if they could learn to make choices that matched both children's wants?

You could choose to talk with your children when they argue. Ask them to talk about their feelings, needs, wants and choices. Show empathy. Explain different options and model them. Practice finding solutions that could work with both children. Share "I" statements. Finally, share your experiences as they unravel. Tell how you worked through a confrontation. Use the words, "some kids... or..." They can then choose more options or yours.

This does not mean to give them options to choose from. This only teaches them that they cannot think for themselves, but that you have all of the answers.

Remember, the end goal is to move them towards an independent person and closer to self actualization.

Creating a Perfect World for Kids

Our love for our kids tempts us to do all we can to make their childhood better than ours -

Do you know people who are trying to create a perfect environment for their children? Are they more concerned about getting the world to adjust to their kids than they are about helping their kids learn to cope with and deal with the world as it exists today?

In spite of the efforts of many to create a perfect country where no one will ever be offended, where bad decisions will have limited consequences, where good outcomes are guaranteed regardless of effort and sacrifice, and where kids never have less than the neighbors' kids, our kids are still living in a world that requires effort and resilience.

Our love for our kids tempts us to do all we can to make their childhood better than ours. It tempts us to try to eliminate disappointment, struggle, and inconvenience from their lives.

Whose needs are being met when we attempt to guarantee that our kids are never disappointed, never get less than an "A" grade, never have to struggle, never take risks, never fail, and never have less than the neighbor kid?

Is it my job to make the world adjust to my kids, or is my job to help my kids develop resilience so that they can fit into a world they're going to face?

Trying to create perfect environments for our children is about as successful as creating perfect children. In my eyes, to think otherwise is a delusion.

It takes great courage to be a parent. Love and Logic's all-time favorite audio is, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants. Listening frequently will help you build that courage.

Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

Jim Faye

© 2016 Love and Logic Institute

How Easy Is it?

Try these 2 rules out in your home.

Educational Snow Day Plans?

Wondering how to keep the kids busy during snow days! I always say, "Keep them busy or they'll keep you busy".

You could create a plan by discussing as a family and displaying your plan on a fun board. Remember to agree on a definite timeline for them.

To be completed by 5 pm today.
History Report
   A. What is an ORV?
   B. What year was the 4 wheeler created?
   C. Who created it?
   D. List three laws that you must abide by when riding an ORV?
   E. Site your resources.
Science Report
   A. What is a fingerprint?
   B. Find a way to document your fingerprint?
   C. Why are fingerprints so important?
   D. Does anyone have the same fingerprint?
   E. Site your resources.
Vocabulary/Spelling
   A. Underline 5 key words in your reports and write the definition for each.

Math

   1 Billybear4kids.com Math Lesson or some other online program

Reading

   1 Billybear4kids.com Reading Lesson or another online resource

Art

   Create something that has "hands" in the artwork, using any medium on any surface.

Gym

   A. Jump on trampoline for 5 minutes, then collect heart rate. Take a 10 minute rest.

   B. Jump on trampoline for 10 minutes, then collect heart rate. Take a 10 minute rest.

   C. Jump on trampoline for 15 minutes, then collect heart rate. Take a 10 minute rest.

   D. Compare the differences 

   E. Create a hypothesis answering the question, "My heart rate is faster when..., because..."

http://tranquilparenting.com/

What is Tranquility and Peace?

Tranquility and Peace does not mean you or your children have a life without conflict. Peace and tranquility are the successful resolutions of each conflict.

Children need conflict in order to figure out how to resolve conflict peacefully. Each time a parent intervenes with the act of problem solving, the parent distracts the lesson. When children successfully resolve conflicts on their own, they learn how to master needed solutions.

This large distraction also sends the message that how you feel comes second to how you act.

Legit! :)

Excited to receive my Parenting the Love & Logic Way Independant Facilitator Membership cards, plus online referral program and unlimited free pass to any one day training. This insures that I'll be able to receive the most up to date parenting and divorce trainings to bring back to Lenawee County parents.

Do You Have A Sibling Storm In Your Home?

Most every child argues or debates with their siblings before they move to the outside world. They learn most of their natural consequences from their peers. This is normal behavior.

Parents often ask when is it not just a learning experience? How much is too much and why?

Some children just happen to be a mismatch and will never see eye to eye. Other children may be jealous of that new baby, aka replacement. If one of the children has a temper with the parents, the other child is going to side with the parent. This could easily set the stage for trouble. The closer in age or more time spent together could seem as if there is more bad times, but in reality it's the same percentage of good/bad times as other siblings who don't interact as often. Same sex siblings are also known to be competitive.

Here are a few ways to fix this. Since we cannot always choose the temperment, sex or age ranges, try these other tricks to keep your home at peace.

Take time to build a loving, trusting bond with each child independently. The closer you are to your children the more they will trust you and feel compassion. They will copy these behaviors with others, even their siblings.

They will also mimic how you handle yourself, so be careful how you interact with each sibling during your own communications.

Help Lenawee Children of Separated or Divorced Parents Be Heard!

Help Lenawee children of divorce and separation be heard by donating to Tranquil Parenting. Tranquil Parenting is a new company moving towards a non-profit status to receive grant opportunities fighting for children's rights. We appreciate that you care for the future of these local children.
Donate here: https://www.gofundme.com/bch9cpp8

Read Article:

Help Lenawee Children of Separated or Divorced Parents Be Heard!

The Tranquil Parenting program specializes in Tranquil Divorce trainings for divorcing and separating parents. The trainings are devoted to sharing children’s rights and a focus on co-parenting. Tranquil Parenting is looking for support to become a non-profit organization. Once non-profit status is achieved, Tranquil Parenting will have the ability to request national grants allowing more parents to have the opportunity to attend classes. These children of Lenawee deserve their rights to be upheld. The application and legal fees to become a non-profit organization are estimated to be around $1200. We appreciate your support for a large number of Lenawee’s children.

According to United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average divorce/separation rate for first marriages was 59% between 2006 and 2010. More shocking is the statistics surrounding the children of these marriages. 63% of children nationwide will be in the same home with both parents. These numbers are slightly higher than the 2002 to 2006 statistics. Without statistics, we know there is an increase in 50/50 custody patterns in Lenawee County. Pre-joint custody patterns or in “our parents’ divorce”, parents relied on the court system to assist in win/lose situations. 50/50 custody parents in abusive and crisis mode stay in and out of the court system using the same courts to make black and white decisions. During the transition of full and shared custody, parents in Lenawee County have the option of a 2-hour class to remind the parents that this is not their children’s’ divorce, then what? In reality, these increasing patterns call for an intervention in understanding of what co-parenting could be, parenting style differences and creating parenting plans to benefit the children.

The Tranquil Divorce program does not replace the Lenawee County Court's
S.M.I.L.E. or C.I.B. programs, but it very well could be the next step. This program is mixed media program for parents going through a divorce/separation with children of all ages. For more information visit www.tranquilparenting.com. Thank you for your donation.

"Empathy Doesn't Work With My Kid"

Does your child cry harder when you try empathy? Do they throw a tantrum harder each time you try? Do you try too hard to say the right words?

Sometimes kids just need to cry, sometimes they just need to have a hard time. Maybe they are learning independance and want to pull through this on their own. Just let them. Show empathy and love later. It's okay.

Happy New Years from Tranquil Parenting!!!

Why "Pause", instead of "Time-Outs"?

"Time Outs" isolates your child, makes them feel alone and teaches them not to trust you.

Teach them to "Pause" instead. They can even take a pause with you. This will assure them that you are on their side and keep you connected during rough times.

We've seen in the past that children who are taught to hid or go away when things aren't perfect, as adults pretend things are goid, hid when things are bad and do not know how to problem solve or communicate with others. During this time, welcome emotions even if they are upset. Don't try to solve problems or search for someone to blame at this time. Pause with them. Show love and empathy always.

Promoting a bonding experience during hardships will increase during teenage and adult years. Nothing is perfect and there is no reason to distance yourself until it's better.

Prevention?

We consider preventative maintenance a must when it comes to our computers, cars, house, our health, but what about relationships, especially with our children?

Daily doses of love and empathy strengthens your bond. Do you want your babies to feel important, connected, feel safe enough to respect you, trust you'll be there when they need you and enjoy more positive experiences with you? This exposure to love helps them relate to others as well. The monkey see, monkey do thing.

Routines with family members, including yourself can help create this atmosphere. Responding with empathy instead of anger may just be what your child needs to balance the Positive/Negative scale. Beginning a "fight night" or the chance to rough house to let the energy out or maybe it's a special moment in time with equal one on one for each child.

Try something small to connect on a regular basis. Make it fun. Give it a silly title. "Gotta change my kids oil", "filling up the tank" or "diagnostics time". Have fun.

Be a good leader so they want to follow.

Natural Consequence vs Limits

Parents, Grandparents, babysitters and guardians set limits. These limits are needed for children to know bounderies for their future. Natural Consequences are a total different idea. This is how children really learn. Once they cross that line in the real world, they learn quickly. There is no reason for punishment or discipline when they are reminded by other factors that they chose the incorrect direction. They may not have seen the learning lesson, which it's okay to subtly point out using empathy and love, but it's the most efficient and effective learning tool in the book. Next time your child moves in the wrong direction, let nature takes it's course. Don't intervene. These lessons are here for a purpose. Sit back and show love.